The Separation verses Unity Trilogy, Part 3

This project is turning into a marathon, but the more I go into it the more I see that it affects every aspect of our lives. Separation has the ability to create diversity upon which our physical  three-dimensional world depends It also has the ability to create war; personally and globally. Its not that there is a problem with the reality of separation itself. It’s the judgements we have been taught to make about the ‘rightness’ of it. In fact, those judgements, and our belief in them, are wreaking havoc with the Planet and beyond, turning life into an ongoing power struggle.

Of course the power struggle that affects all of us most of the time is the one we have between family members, particularly our partners. I am sure you can see by now if you have read the other two offerings in this series, that the problem is within our lack of understanding about what life is really all about, beyond the issues of survival. And it is this issue that we are, as far as I am concerned, here to learn how to manage, difficult as it is. How do we be separate individuals united within the whole and with each other? Well, it’s a work in progress, but we have become totally sidetracked from the project, giving in to blame and the idea that others ‘should’ be just like us, as well as taking care of us. The first is a complete reversal of the possibilities. The second a denial of the growth process.

Why do we feel that way? Well, we are scared that if we unmerge from others we will find we are incapable of being good enough as we are, as well as unable to meet our own needs. Essentially, we are scared to grow up. We have never been taught the skills required emotionally by learning the difference between appropriate dependency as a child, sick or old person, and its inappropriate twin, co-dependence. So, what is co-dependency? It’s a fancy name for relying on another adult, or adults, to meet our needs. We have covered co-dependence in part two of this series in relationship to our personal boundaries in general, but it becomes intense when placed in the context of the significant relationships we call partners.

The way that we have been trained to view these relationships is as if they were a recreation of our childhood home. In which case the female becomes Mum and the Male becomes Dad, and the relationship expectation is that it will mirror what they have each believed relationship to be. First problem; no two people have been brought up in the same way. Their expectations are different. The struggle begins. While our culture can project an overview of how it wants us to conduct our partnerships, on the personal level it’s not possible, though we spend the duration trying to make it so.

This uniformity has been encouraged to make sure we are a compliant and moveable population, meeting Societies expectations of us.  It was taken as the appropriate way to have relationship, discouraging anyone who did it differently by referring to it as a sin. We have all been brought up that way, so it is no one person’s failing that we think it must be that way. You are not useless at relationship if you can’t pull off what is asked of you. Few of us can. It is the cultural demands that are unworkable, not the individuals valiantly trying to pull it off. To have growthful partnerships we have a  great deal of brainwashing to re-educate ourselves away from, its tendrils extending into all aspects of our life with others. But it is this that has created so much of the unhappiness we have been taught we must learn to live with, until it has affected the energy and wellness of the whole species. It is the single largest issue that keeps all we therapist in business.

If we are going to have a hope of doing it differently, the largest understanding we must learning is that we are all different, individual sovereign beings. Here is nothing wrong with the way we are. It will be different for our partners, as they are not us. We have no right to change them, any more than they should try to change us. If we want to be around each other, we must work out a way of negotiating the shared space of the relationship, dropping expectations that they must agree with us. The challenge is to find a new way to do whatever it is we are stuck on. A way that incorporates the essential elements of difference, and similarity, molding it into an innovational outcome where both sides win. Desirable but requiring an acquired skill. All against the backdrop of the enculturalised programme in our mind telling us to force everything back into the fixed the ways we have been taught. Not easy, but highly worthwhile. The growth we gain is enormous and the possibilities endless. We see the results of the existing paradigm in action all around us, resulting in anger, followed by remorse, guilt, fear and around we go again. Many resorting to antidepressants to stay in the relationship, while others take the same programme and try it on someone new. Of course it won’t work, because it is the system that’s not fit for purpose.

Letting go of our insistence in being right is not easy either. We have a lot invested in it. We have been brought up to believe we are of worth only if we do the right thing. But the right thing by what authority? Our parents? The System? The Church? The boss? No. We must do what feels right to ourselves if we are going to live with inner harmony. That’s fine when we are alone. It gets more complicated the moment someone else’s feelings and need are included in the equation. This is why the traditional co-dependent model causes power struggles, as one attempts to dominate the other, to gain a greater degree of satisfaction out of the mutual pie.  Coercion results in anger, cooling to resentment in the looser of this battle. A partnership becomes a war. What ever attraction and love we may have held for the other in the beginning becomes tainted, damaged over time when this method is employed. Staying together then becomes an obligation to the other, society and perhaps the children, who meanwhile are learning how to have relationship in their own lives from a damaged song sheet. There must be a better way.

We all go down this road. It’s the only one we know. In the process of attempting to clamber out of it, I discovered something new to me: it’s our own job to meet our needs as an adult animal. When we base relationship on that principle, the parameters change. We are no longer basing our relational structure on the parental model of requiring our mate to meet our needs. As individuals, we are grown up, able to meet a hundred percent our own requirements, as all adult animals must if they are to survive. In partnerships, we still must. We cannot, must not, assume the other will take responsibility for them. Each person has their own energy field, within which is their uniqueness of feelings, sensations and thought. From this comes our needs. In order to function, the integrity of this field must be maintained. We suffer if we violate it by doing what others want us to do against ourselves. Being an adult is about learning to know that self so well that we are aware of these requirements, moment by moment, developing our skills as we go, throughout our life.

Two sovereign beings walking side by side for as long as it is desirable, and possible, to do so. Learning about themselves, and each other, through the daily interactions and negotiation is the greatest opportunity for growth we can. Couple with that the ability to know if it is no longer appropriate, and you have life learning. So how do we achieve this? Moment by moment. One step at a time.

When I was teaching Psychosynthesis over 10 years ago, I developed what I consider the best model I could come up with and one that at the time seemed very cutting edge. In today’s world it is still a long way from being implemented in most situations, but the Culture has of necessity moved closer to it. At its core is the need, alongside self-care, to renegotiate our relational boundaries as we, as individuals, change and grow. Instead of forcing ourselves into the Procrustean Bed of ‘normality’ we change the structure according to our mutual needs. We do this by communication, negotiation, respect for each other’s sovereignty, assisted by willingness to be flexible. So one of the first things we must do is to learn to talk truthfully to each other about how we feel, without expectation.

The next step requires trying on different scenarios, feeling them out individually, communicating that to each other as you go on through the process. In most cases you will jointly come up with a solution that is acceptable to both, without requiring the other to compromise their needs. It may take time. Not forcing the issue is important as new ideas arrive when we give them space. However, if the situation is untenable to either or both, it May be a sign that the relationship is no longer possible. Should that be the case, then the negotiation shifts into the separation phase with the desired goal of coming out as friends, better off than you were when you went into it. The diagram reproduced below comes from my book The Way Through-A Guide to Psychosynthesis in Everyday Life. It gives some idea of how it might visually look.

To recap: in the womb we are appropriately merged. When we are born we enter into a process of appropriate separation. This continues for the rest of our life until Life completes the process, taking us back into union with All. Unfortunately, the separation process has had bad PR and we have been taught to merge with anything that will let us, Jobs, cars, pets, including other people. Now we must recognize the problems that causes and learn ow to appropriately separate and merge when necessary. We can do that when we have learned that we are responsible for 100% of our personal needs, negotiating with others as we go, for the needs of the joint space.

Its not just lovers that this applies to but all relationships we have with others, our children, our, pets, our neighbours, workmates, everyone. The model I have outlined can be applied across the board, building respect and communication skills in all of us. Maybe it would work on nation states too. I like to think so. One thing is for sure, we can not keep struggling to take power over each other and hope to live in peace. There was an old saying in the 60’s: “what if they gave a war and nobody came”…….because everyone was enjoying working out life together instead.